What? How on earth can you be feeling afraid with all this good stuff going on? Yup, you may well ask. Let me assure you that I've been asking myself exactly the same questions - and more! And I've been thinking. I've been doing my best (as you would expect) to make sense of what this fear is all about. And I have come up with some answers - well, at least a theory.
You see, with all this good stuff now being part of my daily life rather than just a determined vision for the future, some very old childhood feelings are beginning to show themselves. Don't get me wrong, these are very old very GOOD feelings - and they're bursting to be set free. They're begging to become a part of this great life that I'm finally creating for real. These, I might add, are emotions that I didn't know were there. I've done so much work on myself (particularly over the past couple of years) that I honestly thought I was just about as good as I could get. And I have been feeling very contented with my lot over the past few months or so. So contented, in fact, that any further thoughts of 'change' or 'growth' have been far from my mind. I guess my thoughts have been along the lines of "I've been there, done it and got the t-shirt - surely I can now rest in my contentment?"
Hmmm.... it would seem not. Change and personal growth has a funny way of moving us on - whether we want to or not. And this time it would appear that I am being invited (nudged? poked?) to explore another level of myself. And, rightly or wrongly, I'm scared.
Over the past few weeks, you see, I've become close to a new friend with whom I seem to share an extraordinarily strong connection. We've noted it between ourselves and have witnessed some quite inexplicable experiences together (I won't go in to them now because they're far too weird to even begin to explain!) - and through this friend, it is now clear that I'm being invited to open myself even more, although I confess I thought I was already open, healed and clear. So it's all coming as a bit of a surprise.
On a conscious level, I guess it makes sense. I'm finally living a life I'm proud and happy to be a part of. At last I am feeling safe, secure, happy and confident. Great stuff. Job done. All those years of seeking contentment has finally showed up right here for me - and I'm now confident that it isn't a 'blip' it's now a constant in my life. So, as I said, on a conscious level I guess it makes sense - my external experiences are all pleasing to me now. Since my belief has always been that whatever is going on in my life is always a direct reflection of what's happening inside, then I'm happy to say 'the girl done good' - all the self-development work has clearly paid off.
Yup, you might be thinking, all well and good - but what on earth are you going on about Mel? What's your point?
My point is this. For the past couple of years (and for most of my life if truth be told) I have been striving for something better. Faced with countless challenges, I've always believed that I could make it, I could find a way through against the odds, and that I could create a better life for myself. So I've been driven, if you like, by a strong internal desire to make things better. Now, however, I am in a place where I'm happy, content and excited about the future. No need to change anything. Nothing to improve. No more fights to be won. So now my external experiences are giving me no reason to 'change' or 'grow'. Why would I want to make anything different? So, that being the case, I've been thinking "I've done it!" and have been settling in to the idea that enough is enough. I'm happy. Thank you very much, a peaceful life for me from now on!
Hmmm... not so fast missus! Don't get too relaxed in that comfy seat of yours - there's still plenty of life to experience out there! Because - since my external experiences are no longer giving me reason to grow, it seems that my internal emotions are now the ones giving me an almighty prod.
Through all the good stuff that's been happening, and heightened by the new friendship I mentioned earlier, I am getting an old sense of some emotions I buried many years ago. Emotions I had forgotten all about to be honest. Yes, fine, I could easily let the memories resurface, but I'm an expert at keeping my distance from feelings that are too strong (a habit perfected over the many childhood traumas I lived through) - I'm a dab hand at being an observer rather than a participant if that makes any sense.
Now, since there are no more difficulties to overcome, it seems those emotions are now asking to resurface and become integrated in to this wondrous life that's unfolding. Those emotions are all linked to my earliest childhood memories. Feelings of security. Feelings of love. Feelings of innocent joy.... all feelings of which, at the time, I would have had no conscious knowledge. And certainly no names or labels for them! But these are the strong feelings that are now bubbling in my belly, pushing from inside my heart, and demanding to be acknowledged.
And I'm scared. Because the last time I had those feelings they were destroyed with the sudden death of my father. The last time they were flourishing, looking forward to growing with me, they meant that I felt pain and hurt on such a deep level that I decided they were not safe. I decided to bury them away and become the strong grown-up Mel that I've been ever since - I started building my own fortress of protection, perfecting my fortress as more and more experiences threatened to topple me. Oh yes, I became a fantastic architect and builder - and I did a pretty darned good job!
Over the past couple of years my fortress has crumbled to reveal the little girl who had hidden away. The little girl who finally believed she could make it in the world without any protection. My weight loss over the past few months is, for me, just another sign that I am now living for me and as me - so the very idea that there are still more levels to explore has come as a bit of a shock!
The deeply spiritual connection with this new friend of mine is, I believe, the straw that is about to break the camel's back. I have done my best to hide, to ignore what is happening - but to no avail. I cannot (WILL not) keep my silence anymore. In order to maintain privacy, I'm going to call my new friend Sam. Sam is French, and our deep discussions are certainly encouraging me to improve my language skills! At the end of last week I decided to tell Sam what was happening - that our friendship was proving to be a catalyst for something I know is important for my own personal growth, and at the same time something that is frightening. Sam was not afraid. Sam offered to come round on Friday night and discuss what was happening, hoping to help me in my quest for understanding.
The conversation flowed, as usual, and there were times where I felt myself opening up. But I also found myself closing down and backing off whenever the themes got too close. Sam left in the early hours of Saturday morning telling me, with a wink, that I am good at hiding. Hmmmm....
Yesterday I felt really tired, and - unusually - I took myself to bed in the afternoon. My best friend Vera came around in the evening and we shared a lovely dinner together and lots of chats catching up on what had been happening for us over the couple of weeks since we'd last spent time with each other. I told her about my latest revelations and, as usual, she gave me the best reassurance. "It seems to me, Mel, that you're in exactly the right place, and doing exactly the right things" she smiled "Keep doing what you're doing, and be gentle on yourself in the process!"
I was still tired, and she left unusually early - both of us stone cold sober for a healthy change. I went to bed soon after she'd left, and woke this morning feeling wiped out. I had been due to spend the day with my friend Anna, but I phoned to cancel. I don't like letting people down, but I knew I needed time to look after myself.
So today I have been doing just that. I had a relaxing bath, painted my nails, put on my favourite music and then decided to take out my art materials. I used to be pretty good in the art department, and it has been years since I picked up a pencil and paper. Feeling a little clunky at first (well, it has been about 20 years since I last took the hobby seriously!) I soon got in to the swing. With music cranked up and cups of Redbush tea by the gallon, I started to let myself go. Three pictures later, I am finally feeling re-connected and re-energised - and I now understand that everything that has been happening has been a preparation.
And I have decided. I am indeed ready to open myself up to another level. I am ready to re-open the innocent heart of mine that was locked away so many years ago. I don't expect it to be easy - but then again, so long as I keep taking deep breaths, I fully expect it will be much easier than my fears are trying to convince me. After all, I've already come through so much just to survive - surely being brave enough to open up further in order to thrivecan only be for my own good...?
On Friday night, Sam gave me some very wise words "It's ok Mel, because you're no longer a four year old child - now you are a grown up and you know how to look after yourself. And you have lots of people who love you"
Sam is right, of course. So now, preparation done, all that's left is for me to know - really know - that the time has come. The time is now, and it's my chance to face my fears and open myself to more joy and love than I had believed was possible.
So, I'm doing it. Because now I am ready to open my heart and let the sun shine - and I'm looking forward to the results!
