For far too long I had been trapped in the struggle-bubble, where everything was a fight and progress was an effort. Where things 'had' to be done - calls 'must' be made, business 'needed' to be chased and maintenance 'ought' to be carried out. Now, don't get me wrong - I certainly believe in a sense of duty. But the thing is, my own particular sense of duty had somehow become doing things because I felt I 'should'. I know, I know... for many years I have excluded that particular word from my language... yet in many ways I realise that I had been living in a 'should' sort of a way, even though my words would hardly have portrayed that truth.
So what's it all about then? How come things have 'suddenly' become fluid and easy at last? Well, perhaps it's as simple as this. Perhaps my duty had previously been misplaced. I am now thinking that I felt a duty to 'be someone' - to prove myself, to me and to others, with the underlying belief that I wasn't good enough in some way. So therefore, subconsciously, I had been living to please others. No wonder I often felt so tired - and let my weight creep up to be (aside from when I was pregnant) the heaviest I think I've ever been.
Over recent weeks, with the end of my own personal war and so many other things being laid to rest, I have instead been learning to do things that please me. Not much of my outwardly actions have changed - it's been the focus of my actions that have made the difference. One of my favourite quotes is Proust's "the true voyage of discovery is not in seeking new lands, but in seeing with new eyes" and boy has that one sunk home! A few weeks ago I saw a very unflattering photograph of myself taken by my friend's daughter. That was a sufficient shock to push me in to taking action. I joined a slimming club and started to notice the things I was putting in my mouth. As I write this I am already 18lbs lighter and the fat is continuing to just melt away. My mantra to myself is "I am lean, fit, tall and flexible" and as I see myself this way, I am not only becoming conscious of the food I eat and the extra movements I am making, I am also taking more care in the way I clothe my body. People are telling me that I look healthy and happy - and that makes me smile.
In addition to taking care of myself, I began consciously to focus on accepting more joy in to my life. Rather than think about things that might make me happy, I have decided that I already am happy - and the rest just seems to follow. Naturally, easily and smoothly. I have long been a believer in the power of affirmations (the notion that our thoughts create our reality) and now realise that there is no need for a long list of positive statements to make a constructive difference to my reality. Any affirmations come from a root desire - and for me (and, I suspect, many others) that driver is to be happy. Rather than thinking, for example, that "I will be happy when I am earning enough money to live well" I am instead getting in to the full emotional feeling that I am already happy. Just a few focused minutes a day, building the feeling and making it real for me seems to have been enough to kick the universe in to action. For now I seem to always have a smile on my face - and it's true. I am happy! And I also know that this is just the beginning.
For those who doubt what I'm saying - and for others who just like to play for fun - I'd like to share another of the 'tricks' I have learned over the years. I invite you, as always, to just have a go and see what you think. Are you ready to play? Okay, then here we go :-)
I'd like you to take a good look around you and notice your surroundings. You don't need to do it for long, just have a scan of the scenery that is around and about you. Once you've done that, I'd like you to close your eyes and recall what you've seen. Easy eh? So, go on - do it now. You'll have a good sense of the view you've just taken in.
Now I'd like you to have another look - but this time focus on something specific. I invite you to seek out everything in your surroundings that is the colour red. (If there is nothing red, then choose another colour). Scan your surroundings once again, and then close your eyes and recall what you've seen. As you do that, you'll notice that the picture has changed - and you will have a different internal sensation as your mind's eye remembers what you've just seen.
So here's the question - what changed? Did your surroundings change in any way? Did you change where you were sitting or standing? No, I suspect that you didn't. So what didchange to give you a different picture and sensation of your immediate world? The answer is your focus - that's all. And in life, whatever we focus on becomes more real to us.
The reds (or other colour if you chose something else) were always there. It's just because I invited you to focus on them that they suddenly became more obvious. So, logically then, if we focus on being happy then those things are going to come more clearly in to our experience. We do have the power to choose our experiences - we always have. It's just that we either forget, or have never been shown.
It is now 8.45pm on what has been another beautiful summer day. I have spent the afternoon pulling up weeds from the garden, and have just returned from an evening swim in the river with my son. We're both now outside with a bottle of beer, both tapping away on our laptops and sharing jokes. Now that is what I'd call happiness! Magic? Well, yes - I happen to believe it is!
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