I Am Beginning To Believe

... that I'm ready. So much has changed over the past couple of years, and I was just about getting myself comfortable in my new life. Then, over recent weeks, things have started shifting again, and I've been sensing the sure signs of a crumbling reality - and I have been scared. Because the last time my reality changed, it took the form of an earth shattering explosion. "The mirror crack'd from side to side" as my entire self-image fell to the floor in pieces - along with my confidence, my beliefs, and everything that I had accepted as real. My life was in bits and all that was left was a howling gaping hole, tugging at my soul, whipping round my legs, and beckoning me to enter through the looking-glass.

Well, I've made it through that one - it's taken time and has at times seen me on the floor during the process. I'm not only through, I'm also now wiser, stronger, happier and more confident than I have ever been before. I like who I am and I'm proud of what I've achieved. So now, as the familiar whispers of change are once again brushing against my windows, I have been bracing myself for what I fear will mean more pain and uncertainty.

Once again I've been shouting at the heavens and shaking my fists at the skies "I don't need any more of this character building stuff! Surely by now I've proved myself? I'm strong enough already - let me live a simple life!" But of course it makes no difference. If anything, in fact, the whispers are getting louder.

So this time, perhaps, just perhaps, they herald the start of a different sort of transformation? As many of you will know, previous changes have hit me with little or no warning. Huge, life-altering revolutions that have knocked me sideways, leaving me breathless and frightened. Each time, it's true, I have come through fitter and stronger - although the journey has usually been painful and the pathway wrought with difficulties along the way. So I'm sure you can understand my reticence at the prospect of yet more changes!

And yet there is something in my soul that's telling me this time my reality is about to give way to something better. Something positive and healthy. Something new, yes, but something that's also going to benefit me during the process - not just once I've overcome the situation.

So that is why I've decided that I'm ready. I'm ready to expand my horizons once again. Ready to welcome more positive influences in my life. After all, having come through so much already, surely now's the time to actively seek some of the things I could do with more of in my life? Things like peace, love, security and happiness. All of which, it's true, now exist more than they ever have before - but hey, I can always make room for more!

If I stubbornly hold on to the 'safety' I now know, then perhaps I'm blocking my own good? Perhaps my resistance to change is actually holding me back rather than allowing me to enjoy the life of my dreams? My dreams, you see, have me living in a home I've perfected in my mind's eye over many years. It is by the sea, on a cliff by a harbour. I am a successful writer, and my home is filled with joyous laughter and friends who share my passion for living. It is large and light, decorated with beautifully understated furnishings. Oh, and I share my life with a loving partner who adores me as I adore him. I am smiling all of the time, and I live with a feeling of constant gratitude for the way my life has turned out.

Now then, most of those things I can honestly say I have often experienced in my existing home here in France. I love where I live - then again, I am also getting ready to move on. I've started my writing career in earnest, and I find myself gently turning down people and training projects that no longer light my fire. I am seeking the courage to devote myself entirely to my writing - and to working with others who can benefit from my experiences.

So perhaps this is what the whispers are all about? Perhaps I'm already making the necessary soul-shifts to facilitate me fulfilling my potential. Change, as I've said before, is something that most people are afraid of - myself included. But deliberate change, now that I'm armed and ready, is something that could turn out to be a wonderful experience. I've already learned that chance can turn on a sixpence - so perhaps something is already happening behind the scenes. Something that I cannot yet grasp, but that is surely already playing out and that will certainly bring me untold opportunities for my enjoyment.

Yes, I am ready. I am nervous at the same time - then again, as I've said before, the physical response for fear and excitement is exactly the same. How we experience these feelings depends largely upon the labels we choose to give them.

Is it a co-incidence that tonight I have my first date in over thirteen years? I think not. The winds of change are gathering pace - this time, though, they are lovingly embracing me, moving me at a slower pace so that I can keep my balance and go forward with grace. All that's to do now is to change my feelings about this evening's date from nerves to excitement - and then leave the rest to work itself out.

I'll keep you posted...